Spare The Rod

There was a woman sitting in the bus who was repeatedly slapping her five year old for crying. We were all unavoidably aware of the situation. After about ten minutes, a lady stood up and said, 'If you touch her again, I'll come and take her away from you.' Every one of us broke out into applause and the child was not touched again during the ride.

While this child may have been beaten more seriously later, because of the embarrassment to her mother, the undeniable fact remains that the child discovered that the world was not silent in the face of her abuse. This example is significant because the general comment of children, when asked about physical punishment is: 'It is the parents' right to spank their children.'

Aangan, a program of Rozan, working on the emotional and mental health of children initiated a 'Healthy Disciplining' campaign, to celebrate World Mental Health Day on 10th October 2002 . World Mental Health Day is a worldwide mental health advocacy and awareness event. This year, the theme of World Mental Health Day is 'The Effects of Trauma and Violence on Children and Adolescents'. The day serves to educate families and communities around the world to recognize the importance of providing our little ones a happy and healthy environment. The reason Aangan decided to campaign on this issue was because of a number of children had been writing and calling Aangan to report the use of physical punishment as a means of disciplining, especially at home and in school. Hence, Aangan, organized orientations to sensitize mothers and teachers about the repercussions and harmful impact of corporal punishment on the physical, social and emotional health children. Aangan also went to various schools and held discussions with parents, teachers and children to find out how and what they felt about this important, but often neglected issue.

The harsh truth, which Aangan discovered in their focus group discussions with mothers and teachers on Healthy Disciplining, was that nearly 80% felt that the only means of controlling children was through punishment and in nearly 90% cases through physical punishment. As one parent said: 'Physical punishment is the only way of disciplining.' Interestingly, when asked if there were other ways of overcoming bad habits of children, most agreed that there were, such as keeping an eye on all their activities, keeping them busy at home, spending quality time with them etc., there was even a realization and understanding of the negative and temporary impact of physical punishment, yet at the same time there was helplessness at not knowing what other means of disciplining to use. In fact, Aangan discovered that many of the mothers who hit their children expressed regret afterward and wished that they had tried some other method of discipline. There is no denying that parenting is a difficult, but the use of the 'danda' or stick as part of one's discipline kit leads to far more problems than solutions.

The statistics on physical child abuse are alarming. In Pakistan it is estimated that thousands of children are physically abused by a parent, relative or in schools or madrassas each year. Hundreds die or suffer physical disability. Children who are abused cannot only suffer physical handicaps, but also display a host of behavior such as poor self-image, inability to love and trust others, aggressiveness, anger, anxiety, fear, depression and even suicidal ideation and attempts. Those innocent survivors of physical punishment and torture remain emotionally traumatized long after the external bruises have healed. These hidden scars do not surface until adolescence or later when many abused children become abusive parents.

We all want to be good parents. But while one can takes lessons to drive a car, being a parent does not come with an instruction book. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. Nor is there one ' right' way to bring up children. But there are ways that parenting can be easier and less fraught and where children do not have to constantly live and breathe under the threat of the 'danda' or stick! Nobody wins if disciplining is a continuous tug-of-war. In a healthy, positive relationship parents have the right to set limits about what behavior is OK and what isn't, children also have the right to express themselves, learn and develop. This approach is called Healthy Disciplining. Here are some effective ways to discipline your child without the use of physical force:

Techniques such as these are really the most effective, long-term methods for disciplining and raising happy, well-adjusted children. Every parent-child relationship goes through a little turbulence every now and then; however, the trick is to use effective discipline at home in order to provide a foundation for self-discipline throughout life.