What to Do if Your Child is Being Bullied

• Misbah, an 11 year old, shifted to a new city with her parents and was excited about joining a new school and making new friends. After a few weeks Misbah lost that enthusiasm and started getting up late for school. She would complain of different ailments and her teachers were concerned that she stayed aloof in class.
  
  Misbah was brought to Rozan by her parents. During the session the Counselor learned that she was consistently bullied in her class. The students often ganged up against her and would call her names, throw chalk at her, exclude her from activities, and make fun of her physical appearance.

• Atif was a quiet and shy adolescent. He had a few friends and mostly kept to himself. When his best friend left the school he withdrew into his shell. He would often complain that some boys made fun of him in the class, his parents did not pay attention to his complaints as they wanted him to be "tough" and thought that it was probably okay, until one day he came home with bruises over his body.
  
  (Note: The names and situations have been changed to protect the identity of the children)

These are some incidents of children being bullied in school by other children. Unfortunately, bullying has become a very common issue of concern for parents, teachers and school administrators in Pakistan . This article wishes to shed some light on bullying and what parents can do to detect and help their children from being a victim of it.

What Parents Need To Know About Bullying

Bullying is an act by which a person/group/children try to exert their power over the one being bullied. These behaviors can include name-calling, teasing, cornering, intimidating by taking away one's bag/lunch/money/friends, hitting, punching and all other behavior which is threatening and is repeatedly and excessively done to a child.

Bullying has always occurred, and recently there has been considerable alarm about the extent and destructiveness of this behavior in ordinary schools. Although no systematic research has been done in Pakistan , after talking to teachers, psychologists, parents and children, we believe that the incidence of bullying in Pakistani schools is very prevalent.

Although children can be teased and bullied at any age, it is most often seen around middle childhood, from ages 10-14 and/or in classes 5-8. These are the ages where, gradually, the child is no longer completely dependent on his parents, and spends more time at school, and is part of a new environment with same-sex friends and newfound hobbies. They become more certain about their likes and dislikes, and focus on what brings them and their group of friends together, and what sets them apart from other children. This is where the problem may lie. A child that may be slightly different, in terms of physical appearance, interests, or simply has different friends, can become a target.

This is not to say that any and all conflicts amongst children in schools is bad and is a reason for concern. Some say that regular conflicts between children of this age teach them how to be assertive, and sharpen conflict resolution skills. However, it is important to understand that bullying is different and is not a normal part of growing up, as it is excessive and hurtful, and leaves the child feeling uncomfortable, threatened, lonely and harassed.

As psychologists, we have encountered a fair amount of cases of bullying. In most situations the child has not informed the parents and finds it shameful or embarrassing. In some cases, children also have found it difficult to tell their teachers. Some said they wouldn't out of embarrassment, and some say they have tried, weren't believed, and were instead blamed. In some children there is a constant fear that the bully will tease or cause more harm if they told an adult.

Thus, it is important for parents to be aware of what is going on in their child's school life, not just academically, but also socially and emotionally. By being aware, they can better detect possible cases of bullying, and may be better able to intervene. Initially, a parent may allow the child to attempt to cope with it on his/her own, however if the problem escalates or persists, then it is best taken up with school officials, or even handled by themselves directly.

Below are some common signs and symptoms that can indicate that a child is being bullied:

• Sudden change in mood
• Loss of self-confidence
• Headache or stomach ache
• Avoidance of school and a drop in school performance
• Isolation from peers
• Bruises or any other physical injury
• Constantly wanting and losing money
• Changes in sleeping and eating patterns

(Note: A display of these behaviors does not indicate that the child is definitely being bullied, and can be due to other emotional reasons. However, the possibility of bullying should not go unexplored.)

Why Do Children Bully?

There are many reasons why children resort to bullying. The commonly observed reasons include a need for being popular, out of peer pressure, a need to belong to a group that is considered "cool" in the school. At times children who are being bullied start bullying as well, using it as a defense to protect themselves. Some bullies do it to get attention or other things.

Many studies have attempted to characterize the bully and the victim. The bully emerges as relatively socially competent and confident, from a background where aggression is condoned and often with other behavior problems. Girl bullies are more likely to use indirect methods such as social isolation, malicious rumors, or name calling to persecute the victim. The victim is more likely to be shy, anxious and socially isolated.

If Your Child Is Being Bullied

• An open parent-child communication can help children share their problems with parents.
• Explain to him/her that the bully, and not he/she, is the problem.
• Explain to him/her why bullies adopt such behavior so that they are clear that they are not the ones causing it or at fault.
• Help the child make an action plan to deal with the bully. (He/she can try ignoring the bully, telling the bully to stop, and/or walk away whenever the bullying starts).
• Teach and encourage the child to be assertive and to use confident body language.
• Sometimes bullies pick on children when they are alone. Tell your child to spend time with group of friends. You can also ask him/her to play near the teacher on break duty.
• Explain the importance of telling a trusted adult about bullying so that they can feel safe. Tell the child that talking about it is the first step to stopping bullying. If he/she finds it difficult to tell an adult, give him/her the option of writing it down and giving the paper to the adult.
• Help the child make a list of adults that he/she can seek help from in the school, such as an understanding teacher.
• Discuss the issue of bullying with school authorities and other parents.

If Your Child Is Bullying Others

• Deal with it in a calm yet firm manner. (Some bullies may not even understand how wrong their behavior is.)
• Try finding out the reasons why your child is resorting to this kind of behavior.
• Help him/her understand how the person being bullied would feel and how they would feel if they were bullied. (At times, child start bullying after being bullied repeatedly by other children.)
• Talk about what he/she thinks might help him/her to stop bullying.
• If there is a positive change in the behavior towards other children, it should be appreciated.
• Tell your child not to be part of a group that bullies children.
• Talk to the school and see if counselors are available who can help your child deal with these issues.