In the recent past there have been a number of cases and articles highlighting the issue of child sexual abuse and its prevalence in Pakistan . Relatively speaking, majority of adults and parents view this as a serious problem and crime against children and awareness and acceptance of the issue is gradually being created. In Rozan's experience, it is essential to point out that regardless of socio-economic status, location, education, language, most parents have one question:

How do we talk to our children about body protection?

We live in a conservative society where most issues related to sex are considered taboo and are rarely discussed. We may discuss it with our friends or close family, but we rarely talk to our children about it. Perhaps some of us have even considered it, but simply do not know how to broach the subject, what kind of language to use, or where to start. Some of us may feel that giving this kind of information or providing that space to talk may instead corrupt a child or encourage sexual activity. These are all valid concerns. However, it is important that these misconceptions be addressed and overcome.

Educating children about child sexual abuse is by no means corrupting them, for talking about child sexual abuse is not teaching them about how to have sex, it's about protecting their bodies from those who want to harm them . Providing children with the necessary tools to handle sexual abuse makes them less vulnerable to becoming victims if they are ever placed in such a situation. Rozan's Aangan program has worked with children of all ages on body protection in schools and communities. They describe that children as young as six and seven have an idea about child sexual abuse through stories their friends share with them, or even first hand experience, and can differentiate and share that an abusive touch makes them uncomfortable. They also expressed immense relief that someone had talked to them about it.

Our discomfort with the issue will not make the problem of child sexual abuse go away. It will merely provide a more solid foundation for the abusers who count on this silence as their ally . Addressing the issue may be challenging, however if we as parents and adults feel so much discomfort in simply talking to children about protecting themselves, how can we expect them to boldly disclose abuse if it actually happens!? Therefore, it's never too late to talk to children about body protection. To help parents and adults in this process, Aangan-Rozan has provided some guidelines about how to talk to children about child sexual abuse.

What do we mean by child sexual abuse?

Child sexual abuse is any activity in which an older person or child (may be the same age or older), uses a child in a sexual way. This includes looking at, touching and fondling the child's private parts, asking the child to touch the abuser's private parts, verbal and age-inappropriate sexual comments, jokes, oral sex, rape, and sodomy.

When should you tell them about this issue?

Because you have no way of knowing if or when the abuse will happen, it's important to talk about this subject at a relatively early age. Even preschoolers are not too young. The details of what you say will be determined by your child's age. Usually, the younger the child, the more parental responsibility there is in ensuring the child's safety. However, as your child gets older and is at the age where he or she does not need constant supervision, it is best to give children general lessons in prevention along with other safety lessons. For example: Just as you can teach young children to refuse sweets from strangers, you can teach them to say NO if someone wants to touch the private parts of their body.

How should you talk about sexual abuse?

The first step is to be comfortable with the issue yourself. Read up on the issue or contact a professional to make yourself aware of its dynamics so that you do not feel confused or overwhelmed, especially when children ask questions. Secondly, present the topic in ways that won't unduly scare, horrify or even embarrass them. In fact, it's unlikely that you'll need to use the term 'sexual abuse' at all. Your goal is to teach your children in a positive, non threatening way that no-one has a right to touch their bodies if they don't want them to. Keep channels of communication on any subject open - even topics that are sensitive, personal and taboo. It is easier to discuss abuse prevention with children who know the proper names of their body parts, including their genitals.

What should you say?

When you talk to your children about sexual abuse, you will need to accomplish two goals:

• Give specific and accurate information about sexual abuse that will enable your child to recognize sexually abusive behavior.
• Teach specific ways to handle potentially dangerous situations.

To meet these goals, you can follow the following guidelines:

Explain 'private parts'

A child's routine questions, 'Why can't I take off my clothes in the drawing room? Why can't I go into the bathroom with Ami/Abu?' give us many opportunities to talk about our 'private parts'. Without implying that those parts of the body are dirty or shameful, take those opportunities to explain that the parts of the body we keep covered at all times are very special and private. We don't share them with our friends, neighbors or for instance the servants. Tell them that we don't cover them because they are ugly, nasty or silly but because they are extra special and are like no other part of the body.

Explain different types of touch

Tell them that there are three kinds of touching:

• Good touch: that makes you feel warm and happy like a hug from Ammi or a pat on the back from a teacher, etc.
• Bad touch: that hurts like getting slapped or pushed by someone
• Secret touch: that arouses many different feelings when an older or bigger person touches your special or private parts and sometimes tells you to keep it a secret or scares you not to tell anyone. Tell them that adults know that this kind of touching is not okay for kids and they know that they are making a mistake. They try to get children to keep it a secret so that no one else will find out. Tell children that if secret touching does happen they MUST tell someone. Explore with them names of people whom they can tell.

Explain how to say 'NO'

Talk to them about what they should do if someone tries to touch or look at their special parts or if another person tried to expose their own private parts. In our society, children are repeatedly taught to obey and respect adults, which often adds more confusion for children when they come across unwanted behavior . Give them your permission as a parent to take personal control of their body - that if they don't like what's happening, they can and should say no.

Do make sure that you do not limit secret touching as something only strangers do. In Aangan-Rozan's experience, children are usually abused in homes by individuals they know and trust. Therefore when talking about secret touch, tell children that the person doing the secret touching can be anyone, a stranger and/or someone the child knows. Tell them that they have a right to say NO to any kind of secret touching (even if they are offered treats, even if they are little, even if they care about the person, they can say NO!). Coach them to respond to various situations using 'what if games', asking questions like, 'What if someone older wants you to take off your clothes to play doctor? What would you say?' Or 'What if a nice Uncle wants to take you into his shop to give you toffees?' What would you do?' They can say 'NO, I'll tell my mother.'

Give unconditional love and support

Child molesters try to control their victims in three ways:

• Using the power of authority through threats and force.
• Manipulating the child into playing a fun game, which results in unwanted physical contact.
• Bribing the child with gifts or favors.

These techniques are quite persuasive and can make children feel as if they are in some way responsible for the abuse. Assure them that they are NEVER to blame if an adult or older child tries to touch or see their body. Let them know that molesters cajole or threaten children to keep the incident a 'special secret'. Tell them that some secrets are fun and exciting, but that there should NEVER be a secret about the touching of special parts between grown-ups and kids. Let them know that secret touching may happen in the dark or in another secret place, it may happen with someone you love a lot, someone whom you would feel bad about getting into trouble if you told the touching secret. It may happen with a trick or a promise not to tell about the touching.

Repeat your message

You cannot effectively warn children about sexual abuse in just one discussion. Repeat your instructions and assurances on different occasions.

Listen for unspoken fears

Despite assurances, some children may still have trouble talking about encounters with adults that make them feel uncomfortable. Therefore, stay alert to unusual behaviors that may be warning signs that your child is trying to tell you something. These signs and behaviors could include:

• Fear of certain places or people, like uncles, aunts, servants, teacher
• Often has money or sweets
• Becomes passive, quiet, under-confident or becomes aggressive, violent or short-tempered
• Whining or crying excessively
• Bed-wetting, constantly touching private parts
• Lying, stealing, running away from home
• Sexual play with toys, peer or adult. Age-inappropriate sexual awareness.
• Drop in academic performance
• Complains of headaches, stomach aches and other physical aches and pains
• Eating and sleeping problems
• Relationship problems with peers and/ or family members
• Self-injurious behavior, either gradual or sudden, and suicidal ideation.

It should be noted that presence of these symptoms does not guarantee the occurrence of sexual abuse and could be due to other reasons, however the possibility of sexual abuse should not be ignored.

Information is power, and in this high-risk day and age, children and teens need all the information they can get. To withhold information about the possibility of sexual abuse puts all children at risk. Refusing to talk about sexual abuse does not mean that children are safe and that nothing bad may happen to them. Only by opening up the discussion, and beginning to talk to children from a young age will we ever be able to protect them from abuse. Empower yourself and your children!